A Definitive Ranking of Every Job I've Had Before This One
People always ask what comedians did before comedy. In my case, the answer is many things, none of them particularly well. Here is an honest ranking of every job I held that wasn't a "comedian, actor, filmmaker, or musician," from the ones I'd rather forget to the ones that I may have actually enjoyed.
7. Chipotle - My stint at Chipotle was brief. I was very poor and got fired for eating too many burritos and giving extras or waste burritos to my friends. Honestly, I considered myself more of a Robin Hood of Chipotle; loss prevention disagreed, hence my short stint.
6. Holiday Inn - I was a van driver at the Holiday Inn for years while living in Minneapolis and playing in bands. I loved it; I first learned here that I had the "gift of gab." I'd recommend restaurants and bars, tell jokes, and drive people around to make tips. I used to get tips for cracking people up—one of my very first comedy gigs.
5. Front Desk at Jewish Community Center - This was my high school job; I would sit at the front desk after school and on weekends. I'd answer the phone, help people find things, and deal with angry naked Russians when the steam room was broken.
4. Maharaja’s Head Shop - This was very brief. The owner was insane, and I lasted only three hours. He started fining employees for speaking to each other, so after an hour, he tried to tell me I owed him money. I left immediately.
3. Filmmaker - I still do this to this day. I love films, and I love creating things. I’ve created 11 short films—most of them mockumentaries, deriving a ton of inspiration from Fred Armisen and Bill Hader’s Documentary Now. I’ve been involved in over 47 film festivals, placed in 27, and have even attended prestigious festivals like Austin, LA International, and Cannes.
2. Day Laborer - When I was 19 and very broke during the recession, I could not get a job. A friend told me I could hang out in front of Home Depot and people would pay me daily for work. I did not fully know what he meant, but I went anyway. Apparently, me speaking English was huge; I was thrown into a pickup truck with a group of Hispanic laborers and told to translate job site initiatives to my colleagues. Spoiler alert: I don’t speak any Spanish. I was able to fake it for about six weeks since my colleagues were absolute pros and just got to work after my broken Spanish translations. I was eventually found out by a guy who spoke fluent Spanish, but hey, we hustled our way to buy food for a few weeks and made some good friends. I still talk to Miguel to this day.
1. Nepali Restaurant - At 20, I moved to Nepal. Upon my return, I could not get a job anywhere. Finally, as a last-ditch effort, I went into a Nepali restaurant and said, "I just got back from your country, I speak the language, I love the food, and I desperately need a job." My mentor for many years, Ujwal Adhikari, told me to show up Tuesday. I made $2 an hour but kept my tips and got to take home the buffet leftovers every day; to this day, it was the greatest job I ever had. Ujwal taught me so much about food, cooking, life, and spirituality. The lessons I learned there were invaluable; he would often tell me, "You come to me a rock; I’ll make you a diamond." I haven’t kept in touch like I should, but he truly was a great man.